Mz. Marcotte's Favorite Science Jokes & Quotes!

Two ecologists studying caribou in Alaska's back country got a pilot to fly them into the far north to collect some specimens. They were quite successful in their venture and had six big carcasses to take back to their lab. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six caribou. But the pilot objected and told them, "Those caribou carcasses are too heavy, the plane can only take four of them ; you will have to leave two behind.

They argued with the pilot, letting him know that the year before, they had also collected six caribou and that pilot had allowed them to put all six animals aboard. This plane was the exact same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when they attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not carry the load and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one ecologist said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other ecologist.

"I think this is about the same place where we crashed last year!"

In a biology lecture today, the professor mentioned that much of the data we were seeing was culled from studies of leeches. He said, "Now, a lot of you may think leeches are nasty creatures. The people working with these creatures are quite fond of them, however. It is also reported that the leeches often become attached to the researchers."

You enter the laboratory and see an experiment.
How will you know which class is it?
If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.

Pupil: "Please Sir! Did you hear that scientists have found life on another planet?"
Teacher: "What are you talking about?"
Pupil: "They found fleas on Pluto!"

Teacher: What is the formula for water?
Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O
Teacher: That's not what I taught you.
Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O.

Law of Selective Gravity:
An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

You Might be a Mathematician if ...

* at the age of 19 your most productive years are behind you;

* you make mistakes ... but they are really interesting mistakes;

* your major was Mathematics, minor Caffeine;

* you know all of the Greek alphabet, but not a word of Greek;

* your favorite story is Pretty Poly Nomial and Curly Pi;

* your progeny are relieved to learn that Mathematics is not a heritable
genetic trait;

* you have already obtained your next three years of reading material;

* you count on your fingers in binary;

* your romantic relationship is stressed when you show too much interest in
your beloved's mathematician acquaintances;

* you know a six-letter word with three vowels, all of which are
"y";

(In case you are as ignorant at me: It is syzygy. Syzygy is the position of
an object when it is in line with other objects. It is then "at syzygy".)

* you visit Earth primarily for lectures and family obligations;

* your opinion of A Beautiful Mind is "been there; done that."

* you think of math as an art, not as a science...

* you would rewrite the above joke as :'you think of math as an art, not
ONLY as a science'...

* you think that jokes about math are funny...

You Might be a Mathematician if ...
* You get into heated arguments over 0.999... = 1.0...

You Might be a Mathematician if ...

You spend time helping people you don't know do their homework

You know the difference between a conjecture and a theorem

Famous last words

Astronomer: That asteroid does not hit the Earth.

Mathematician: And now we divide by zero.

The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were taken from essays,
exams, and class room discussions.

Question: What is one horsepower? Answer: One horsepower is the amount of
energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to
getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.

Talc is found on rocks and on babies.

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms.
But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When
planets do it we say they are orbiting.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it
is really only centrificating.

Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still
manage.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to
change back into a sun in the daytime.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees
between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and
south.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to
go.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be
discovered. Finding them all means living forever.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because
of so much population stomping around up there these days.

Lime is a green-tasting rock.

Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be
oil.

Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you
should.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're
there.

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so
sometimes it's brother against brother.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never
been able to make out the numbers.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets
blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions
are things that are still all mixed up.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as
many H's as O's.

Clouds are high flying fogs.

I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and
that is the important thing.

Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is
not much else to do.

Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a
drop, it does.

Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.

Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the
strongest man.

A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other
places.

The wind is like the air, only pushier.

Cool Things About a Car that goes Faster than the Speed of Light

You can sleep 'til noon. Still get to work by 8:00am!

Doppler shift makes red traffic lights look green.

Breaking laws of physics only a misdemeanor in most
     states.

Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking keep bugging you to
     carpool.

No one can see you pick your nose while you drive.

You can go to LA to Vegas in 2 nanoseconds.

You can stop worrying about being sucked into a black
     hole driving home from work.

That deer in your headlights is actually behind you.

Traffic enforcement limited to cops with PhD's in
     Quantum Physics.

Bugs never see you comin'.

You can make a fortune delivering pizza with the slogan
     "It's there before you order or it's free!"

License plate: "Me=mc2"

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the
Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force
Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to
the Distance Between Them.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy
Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

CAUTION: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles
Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is
Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both
Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through
a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously
Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in
the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will
Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested
Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles
Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next
Four Hundred Million Years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This
Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic
Explosion Will Result.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any
Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the
Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is
Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the
Universe.

NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together
by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose
Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon,
the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of
99.9999999999% Empty Space.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically
Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However,
the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and
Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven
New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They
Cannot Be Detected.

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the
Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist
or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons,
Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every
Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other
Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be
Expressed or Implied.

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since
Its Weight Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe,
Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an
Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently
Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be
Guaranteed.

                         MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET

                          WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

ELEMENT:       Women

SYMBOL:        Wo

DISCOVERER:    Adam

ATOMIC MASS:   Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg

OCCURRENCES:   Copious quantities in all urban areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in
    alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained
at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct
contact with each other.

2 sodium atoms walk down the street...

        Two sodium atoms are walking along the street when one stops and
        says, "Oh my God, I think I've lost an electron!"
        "Are you sure?" asks the other sodium atom.
        "Yes," replies the first sodium atom, "I'm positive."

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

An optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears this is true.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.